The ability to spot injustice in the post-Obama years is breathtaking. Identity politics infuses every aspect of life, including, most prominently, culture. Western Culture has been laid bare as a cesspool of dehumanizing behavior, resulting in a myriad of marginalized persons denied acceptance without question. People ignorantly suffer under Western Culture with its yoke of individualism, rule of law, enlightenment, and freedom to pursue art. These masses of Western “progress” victims move through their lives not even realizing they are covered with the soot of white male hegemony, while bearing the chains of non-acceptance like generations of differently-colored, differently-oriented, differently-gendered Jacob Marleys. With the Day Without Women upon us, it is time to recognize what Western Cis-Normative Society has done to delegitimize one group more than any other. We must band together to make a forgotten treasure of diversity again celebrated and visible.
In light of this liberation movement, and in the spirit of using Ursula K. Le Guin’s life work as a manual rather than a forewarning, it is time to address the real needs of one of the most marginalized groups in this day and age. We must come together to recognize and admire the population, small though it may be in some people’s minds, that thanks to Western Civilization and modern standards of beauty remain unaccepted and un-promoted. Of course, I am writing about Crones.
Yes, every day Crones hobble through a daily life of misery, drudgery, and self-loathing. These all but invisible women (though you can usually smell their pungent bouquet), abandoned by Hollywood and the music industry, and written out of literature, need support, promotion, and protection. Once a staple of village life either in the form of a toothless sage or warty witch, these ladies of black, moth-eaten eveningwear now find themselves with no place and no acceptance in society.
We have fought gallantly for the acceptance of gender-confused people, talentless people, vegans, people allergic to gluten, drag queens, murderers, swingers, Paul Krugman, and now we ensure that everyone gets a trophy. Thanks to Western Civilization, not only are Crones ostracized, outcast, and virtually unemployable, their numbers are ever increasingly on the demise. There is no Super Bowl commercial where Melissa McCarthy calls upon us to save these near extinct smelly, screeching old women! (We refer to Crones as women, but this convenience of language in no way means that Crones are limited to biologically-born women. Besides, have you seen a Crone? They are the citadel of gender-neutral appearance.) We, as those concerned with inclusion and alienation as part of our social justice creed, must stand up for those who are so hunched over by vitamin deficiency and short brooms that you cannot even tell if they are standing or sitting! The Sally Kohns of the world must be made aware of these wild haired denizens of old wives’ tales, and innate suspicion and prejudice!
Which aspects of our modern society must be confronted to first stop the subjugation, and even extinction of Crones, and then promote Crones to their rightful place in society? First, we must immediately boycott the healthy food and vitamin industry. These purveyors of strong teeth and strong bones, as well as good vision and hearing are an affront to every Crone on the planet. Not only do these offensive health monsters prevent hunched backs and tooth decay, but they allow other people to live longer in better shape. How do you think this makes a Crone feel? Sure, an 80-year-old woman without osteoporosis is fine for you, but it is an absolute affront to these marginalized and diminished women.
Do not even get me started on the dental hygiene industrial complex. How is a Crone with one snaggle tooth that she proudly displayed in a former time to feel when confronted with a 45-year-old blonde in yoga pants holding a protest sign in the last week of her teeth bleaching program? Our sensitivities, yes selfish sensitivities, totally look past the cancerous impact on the self-image of your average Crone when everything about her appearance is violated by these mongrels of good health and youthful appearance. The extinction of the Crone is axiomatic when one takes the time to separate themselves from their Health Privilege and notices that with each bite of iodine supplemented salt, the chance of growing a goiter is eliminated. Each bite of a designer Greek yogurt eliminates the possibility of a young woman developing into a full-fledged stooped Crone. Every time you brush your teeth or eat a vegetable you are supporting an industry seeking the abject genocide of these once-revered women of marginal science and general ill health.
Speaking of appearance, the second front that must be fought is that of the youth-and-appearance corporatists. This heinous group includes L’Oreal, Lancôme, Chanel, plastic surgeons, reconstructive surgeons, osteopaths, chiropractors, podiatrists, Susan Powter, and the makers of Compound W. Of course Baby Boomers do not believe they will die or grow old, but is that any excuse for not just eliminating but promoting the elimination of acne, disfigurement, cleft palates, limps, hunches, and a myriad of other aspects so central to the image, soul, and fundamental existence of the Crone? Jillian Michaels has no realization that every time she opens her mouth, the Biggest Losers are Crones.
Obviously, the wart removal industry is a direct affront to the most necessary aspect of Crone appearance. How is one supposed to be a Crone if warts are removed? We must boycott and attack these insidious purveyors of “better” appearance and conformity to conventional ideals of beauty and worth. Do not get me started on the electrolysis industry. The removal of unwanted hair on a woman, especially a long single-strand growing out of a wart, is a twofold affront and tantamount to violence against Crones. We must also do everything we can to fight the other aspects of the hygiene industrial complex. This includes those who foist deodorant and perfumes and floss on unsuspecting women who will never, if these instruments of prejudice are used, have a chance at joining the odiferous, halitosis-infused sisterhood of Crones.
Finally, we must, with the force of a combined Amazonian-Spartan army (obviously, without stereotyping), attack the entertainment industry. In the old days, you could find a Crone in a piece of literature, or even a movie. Crones served useful purposes in fairy tales and children’s stories, although that bastard Walt Disney used cartoon Crones instead of live actress Crones. Not since the three witches in Shakespeare’s Macbeth, and Arthur Miller’s The Crucible have many Crones been admired and used in literature.
The music industry completely ignores the traditional melodic cackling and chanting of Crones as part of their fake incantations to scare ignorant villagers or dimwitted children as an appropriate genre to be promoted. There was some hope when Susan Boyle appeared to win a singing contest, but as soon as she won, the powers of television, Hollywood, and the music industry conspired to improve her appearance. Hollywood cannot escape their prejudice against Crones.
The Lord of the Rings was an ample opportunity to reinvigorate the Crone in Western civilization, even if there were no actual Crones in J.R.R. Tolkien’s classic. We must demand, even at the point of violence, that Hollywood, the music industry, and television properly represent Crones in their products or face our wrath. Why couldn’t a Crone portray one of the characters on “Friends,” or Megan Fox’s role in Transformers, or a myriad of other roles currently usurped by the Natalie Portmans and Mila Kunises of the world?
Even that paragon of “right thinking” billionaires, JK Rowling is not exempt from the violent marginalization of Crones. Not only did she have the opportunity in her books to obviously promote Crones, but could have absolutely insisted on the inclusion of Crones in several pivotal roles in the movie franchises. Only Monty Python, those crass hate speech spewers, found any place for Crones in film, but The Holy Grail is over 40 years old!
We can as a society do better, and we must do better. Actors were again complaining about underrepresentation of blacks, Latinos, and Labradorians for this year’s Oscars. These complaints, although valid through the social justice lens of mediocrity, pale in comparison to the underrepresentation of Crones. This call to arms on behalf of a victimized, marginalized, and downtrodden part of our society is only the first call. Our world is infused with images, symbols, and direct assaults on Crones wherever a child is well fed, and wherever a dental hygienist cleans a rack of teeth in our clearly anti-Crone society.
We must act now before the Crone is just a distant memory, buried under our Science-Religion-Health-Hygiene-Beauty-Talent-Privilege. If you are participating in the Day Without Women, remember these women are always unseen except for glances of scorn. The next time you see a woman dressed all in black dusty cloth from her head to her toes, covered with warts and random hair located in unwanted places, stooped to the point that she her nose touches the ground, and cackling incessantly to herself, please remember she is a Crone and needs to be valued as much as any privileged member of the former Western Culture. Either that, or you are just out shopping in Islamabad.