The Oscars were no surprise this year, as always. There was talk about racism, women’s rights, the evil rich white guy (except for them), and the need for artistic beauty, and blah, blah, blah. Yet earlier this month, Fifty Shades Darker, a celebration of the submission of a woman letting a rich white guy do his bidding on her. Define irony.

Fifty Shades Darker, from the looks of the reviews, is for those who thought its predecessor Fifty Shades of Grey was a little too tame. I have what some friends call an “irrational distaste” for this franchise, which I talked about in a post for the site GeekMom when the first movie was released.

Truth be told, I can’t even bring myself to see these (I read the plots on Movie Spoilers and still winced). I get it now, though, I really do: It’s only domestic abuse if a dominant male isn’t incredibly wealthy and movie star hot. Right? Actually, the whole thing read like some torture porn horror movie, rather than a love story. I do wonder, however, if this movie would work trying to reach other demographics.

Fifty Shades of Primer Gray (from Eli Roth)

Ana is a small-town reporter, meeting with Earl Grey over of the local liquor store lawsuit. Intrigued by Grey’s “classy tea name,” Ana gets flirty, and Earl says, “Hey, ya wanna see some cool toys back at my trailer? I made ’em myself.” The kinky sadomasochistic horror goes on pretty much the same, from there. Ana finally escapes with the help of a chainsaw and pair of burdizzo clamps.

Might make a double-feature midnight show after the Human Centipede 47.

Let’s try little more literate plot…

Fifty Shades of Gray Vinyl (from Wes Anderson)

This seems like it starts out the same, but with much better, deadpan dialogue, and more retro costume choices. When Grey reveals to Ana his playroom, which to her delight contains walls and walls of classic vinyl, and a free-trade coffee bar. They spend the rest of the movie exchanging witticisms about music, life, books and what kind of creepy people engage in sadomasochism. Only a handful of people will see this. Everyone else will pretend they did when it gets an Oscar nod.

What about science fiction? That’s popular…

Fifty Shades of Greys (from M. Night Shyamalan)

It will start our pretty much the same, but when “The Grey” reveals his playroom, he also pulls off his high-tech face mask revealing, he is an alien scientist needing willing specimens. Ana finally escapes, but into an empty, dark overgrown and deserted city. She turns around to see The Grey, who explains she is actually an advanced form Artificial Intelligence he created, as actual flesh and blood humans have long since destroyed their own planet via pollution and crappy reality television.

What a twist…with predictable and depressing end-of-humanity overtones. Who needs more of that?

I’m being a bit sexist. Maybe this is for men, too…

Fifty Shades of Gay (from Ang Lee)

My gay friends are suckers for a tailored suit, too. This scenario could work. Keep him rich, but change his sexual preference. Replace Ana with a young gay male student, send him into the playroom…and that’s as far as it would go.

“I’m sorry, hon, but as much as you do it for me, I am not squealing like a pig for you.” He heads for the elevator shouting. “Get yourself another Ned Beatty, you well-dressed hick.”

Okay, so no go on the gay version.

What if I’m just not the strong and independent-minded woman I thought I was, and need to be enlightened to current day sensibilities. Maybe, I should try out this new “gray” area. I might just enjoy it. You know what? Screw it! I’m off to see Lego Batman. It comes only in black…and very very very dark gray.