First of all, let me say something right outta the gate:  I’ve never reviewed a Video game before.  I’ve never reviewed anything!  I am new.  I’m a TV writer and comedian.  That’s what I do for a living.  But I love video games so… here I go.  Write about what you love, as they say.

Destiny 2 has problems.  All of which were avoidable.  All of which were inexpensive for Bungie, the games developers.  It’s a drag.  This game should be off the charts levels of awesome.  It’s not.  Because ultimately… I don’t care.  And when you’re telling a story, those are three words you never wanna hear.  I. Don’t. Care.  It means nothing has consequences and the relationships between characters don’t matter.  That’s a problem.

I loved the first Destiny.  Flat out loved it!  It looked great, the game mechanics were fantastic, and the world was HUGE!  Plenty of cool alien races to shoot at, you could design your own character, you had a spaceship, even player vs player was fun.   But my favorite part was the mystery.   I had so many questions!  Why did the bad guys want the Traveler? What WAS the Traveler?  What’s up with the Speaker? He’s kinda like my mentor but he never really helps me.  He’s a Gandalf/Merlin/Obi Wan sounding dude who just kinda … talks and sounds “Wizardy” (This is a problem) Who was the Stranger? Where’d she come from?  What’s up with that hot Queen chick who lives on the asteroid?  See where I’m going?  TONS of questions in a big beautiful game where I’m a defender of all that’s good.  Which leads me to Destiny 2.

There be spoilers here:  I just finished the Story mode of the game.  The opening scene is fantastic.  Beyond that? Its regular Destiny with a big eff you to all the players like me.  The mechanics are still great and blah blah blah, but I didn’t care.  About the story.  The bad guys already had the Traveler.  If I did NOTHING in the game? Same results.  Nothing would change.  Bad.  So the writers must’ve realized this too, cause they threw in a “They’re gonna blow up the sun” machine at the end of the second act.  (I think of video games like this as movies.  Just FYI) Now they were forcing me to care in a super cheap kinda way. Booo…

So, did they answer any questions? No.  Nobody knows what the Traveler is.  The speaker gets killed, but oh well, I never felt a connection with that dude anyway.  The Stranger? That chick didn’t even make the cut!  Like she never existed!  She should call her agent.  Characters were coming and going and none of them were important.  NONE.  No one mattered.  That’s a big time no-no.  Link HAS TO save Zelda and kill the bad guy.  Mario HAS TO save the Princess and kill the bad guy.  Luke Skywalker HAS TO blow up the Death Star and fulfill his destiny. Ha!  Lil’ joke, but you get what I’m saying.  HAVE TO!  The worlds are real.  People matter.  And there are consequences when they’re not around!  This is what Destiny 2 missed.  Stop introducing me to cool characters if they don’t matter!  Don’t show me a cool anything if it doesn’t matter!  You have a giant world you’ve created.  Now make believe it’s real, and so many great things will happen it’ll knock your level 228 infused socks off. 

Now here’s the funny part.  There’s still a great story here.  They just went past it.  Here’s your game, Oh Wise Bungie writers:  The opening scene from Destiny 2. That opening movie.  THAT should have been the game.  With the cast we already knew.

Here goes:  The Cabal/Bad guys have launched an attack. Let’s try to stop em for a couple levels.  They break through.  They’re after the Traveler! Holy Shit!  Let’s fight em in the streets!  We’re losing!  Boy I hope the speaker can help.  Whaaaaa?  He CAN!?  He’s gonna get me in touch with “The Stranger” from the first game, who has a weapon only I can shoot?  The fuck you say!!  Where is she? Mars? Let’s go!  I will kill several species of assholes to get to her!  Now she’s telling me the secrets of the traveler and what’s going on? I love that girl!  Thanks for helping, but I gotta get my ass back to Earth.  All hell is breaking loose.  Am I too late? I finally got the gun, but now the bad guys have the Speaker!  Let’s go free that dude and kill the Boss bad guy!  AND save the Traveler!!  I would play the shit outta that game. And that’s just off the top of my head!!

Will I play Destiny 2 more? Probably. It’s still okay.  For the record, I played Destiny 1 more than any other game I’ve ever bought.  That’s saying something.  Cause they were teasing me with more story.  And the game is fun.  Destiny 2 could have been epic.  Should have been.  Now it feels like roaming around in a half- baked Star Wars sequel or prequel, rather. I’ll still fly around and shoot stuff and dream of what could have been.  It’s still…okay.  Just one last thing before I go.  Bungie, please slow down with all the jokes in the game.  A little bit of comedy goes a looooong way.  Not every story hole can be fixed with a Cayde-6 joke. Now, all that being said; If you ever want help on the next version/DLC or sequel? I would LOVE to!  Absolutely love to!  All the pieces are there! You just gotta let em matter!