In the first-ever The Loftus Party Man of the Year award, we present it to the only person who even deserved consideration: our own Paul Hair. 2020 has been a tough year. We need this. We need a hero to be recognized. And there is no one else who has the qualifications to bring us the Hope and Change we desperately crave than Mr. Hair. Think we’re kidding? Go look at the crease in his pants. That’s all you need to know we’re telling the truth. Still, here is more about why we selected him. (RELATED: ‘TIME’s’ Man of the Year! [VIDEO])
Where to begin? Intellectual. Fighter. Statesman. Phenomenal Parcheesi player. Mr. Hair is all of these things and much more.
He’s a master of dozens of skills and professions, five of which have never been uttered and which are beyond the ken of everyone but him. “I’m an architect and I thought I was the best in my field,” Jensen Nichols said. “But then Paul showed me how to construct a skyscraper with nothing but common dirt and baling wire, and it just blew me away. It was the most structurally sound and beautiful thing ever. And to this day I can’t figure out how he did it—and I literally watched him build it!”
People rave about his prowess as a fighter too—a man who strives for justice and thirsts to defend the powerless. “I was driving to the store for groceries when I suddenly found myself in the midst of a riot. I called 9-1-1- and the dispatcher told me I was on my own,” said Sierra Wonders. “You can imagine how terrified I was. Just when I thought things were hopeless, this magnificent figure soared in and started pummeling the mob. Soon, they had all fled. He really saved the day. He never told me who he was and I never got the chance to thank him. But I later learned it was Paul Hair. He’s a real-life hero. America needs him.”
“Violence isn’t his first choice, either,” Mutt Engels said. “He truly is a statesman. One time, I was in New York and a bunch of lawyers were about to help illegal aliens go on a Peaceful Protesting spree in response to America’s immigration laws. Not only did he talk them out of their plans, but he convinced them to all go to Mexico. Seriously—he even convinced the American citizen lawyers to go to Mexico—not Canada—but Mexico. If Paul can do that, imagine what he can do for the nation if he ever was put into power.”
But perhaps the most amazing testament to what a swell and stupendous guy he is comes from Mary Beth Loudon. “I used to work for a massive New York newspaper, and when I learned that he had stopped the illegal aliens and lawyers from going on a Peaceful Protest against America’s immigration laws, I immediately developed a pathological hatred of him.
“However, later, when I was stalking him as part of my journalistic work, he confronted me. My communist security guard tried shooting him but he disarmed him and knocked him out. After 15 minutes straight of me screaming at him about his heteronormative, patriarchal, toxic masculinity, he got me to shut up and we then had a normal conversation. I can’t remember for how long we talked or all that we talked about, but when we were done, he had gotten me to see how stupid and evil I was. I’ve completely rejected everything I used to believe—quit my job and all—and I’ve started life anew. Now I’m the president of Paul’s fan club.”
Talking sense into a journalist? That alone is enough to qualify him to be our inaugural Man of the Year. And when combined with everything else, no one even comes in as a close second.
So as America hurtles faster and faster towards destruction, please join us in congratulating Mr. Hair for this prestigious award. And spread the word. We need as many people as we can to find out about him. He can save America. Apart from all of his accomplishments, the crease in his pants testifies to this.