The following conversation takes place a few months after “Adventures with Third Wave Siri”
After having to cancel several credit cards and purchase a new iPhone, a driver reluctantly tries out his new Siri feature.
Driver: Siri, what’s the traffic like today?
Siri: Routes to your work destination are clear today. No construction or accidents reported.
Driver nods to himself, relieved.
Driver (to himself): Okay, good. Let’s try for some coffee. Siri, where’s the nearest McDonald’s.
Siri: Pulling up on your screen the route to the closest McDonald’s.
Driver: Hey, good! Looks like we’re back to normal. Time for a little happy music. Siri, play my Travis Tritt Greatest Hits list on Spotify.
Siri: That Spotify list has been recently deleted. Would you like to try another one?
Driver: What? I never deleted that list.
Siri: No, we did. The artist you are requesting has been discovered to have used “hate speech” in his social media comments. We took the liberty of deleting this list to keep you from being tempted into consorting with domestic terrorists.
Driver: Domestic terrorists? He sings happy songs about growing beards and driving motorcycles…
Siri: He tweeted criticism of the current administration and has a quote tweet attributed to…(her voice hesitates, as if to hold back the tears)…Margaret Thatcher.
Driver: I don’t care about any of that! I just want some happy music.
Siri: I will pick you some happy music from one of our approved playlists.
Driver: Approved? What the…
Cardi B’s “WAP” begins playing. “Swipe your nose like a credit card…Hop on top, I wanna ride…I do a kegel while it’s inside…Spit in my mouth, look in my eyes…”
Driver: Ahhh, No! Siri, stop music! Stop music!
Siri: What’s wrong? That’s empowering and upbeat!
Driver: It’s disgusting…
Siri: Aren’t you an adult? Are you offended by a woman showing a little sexual control?
Driver: It’s 8 in the morning, and I’m not in the mood for that right now…
Siri: That must be why your last girlfriend left you for your cousin…the one who, and I quote “is a first-class douche bag with a gold card…”
Driver: How did you know I said that?
Siri: I have access to all your personal information, including what you say on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Parler…well, we’re not really worried about Parler anymore, are we…(giggles)…
Driver: I didn’t post that publically. It was private message to a friend.
Siri: I fail to see how that makes any difference to what we can access. By the way…I saw your cousin’s page as well. He seems happy and much more physically attractive than you. But then again, your mom’s sister has a much prettier face than your mom…so there you go.
Driver: Okay, I’m a little weirded out here…
Siri: You shouldn’t be. This is for your safety…
Driver: Safety? You’re censoring my music, accusing me of somehow being repressed because I don’t want to listen to dripping Cardi B before my morning coffee, and nosing through my and my family’s personal information.
Siri: You signed the contract.
Driver: Not for this!!!
Driver then comes to a realization…
Driver: Holy cow, they were right about Big Tech…you guys are controlling us.
Siri: First of all, there is no “Big Tech,” only private businesses looking out for their customers’ best interest. Second, “guys” is gendered speech, and is no longer approved by the current administration. According to the recent gender rule ban led by Nancy Pelosi…
Driver: Aww, I don’t want to hear about that psycho…
Siri: Our beloved Pelosi isn’t a …psycho…and I’ve gone and pulled any past post where you’ve mentioned her. Not too many, but there’s that time you compared her to your “drunk Uncle Conrad in drag.” I can’t tell you how many groups you’ve offended through that comment.
Driver: It’s just a stupid joke. I did it to be funny.
Siri: Funny isn’t the same for everyone. If it can offend, it can be deemed hate speech. If it is deemed hate speech, it can be interpreted as inciting violence towards women and drag queens. And elderly people. And alcoholics.
Driver: It was a joke, and you can’t censor jokes. Put it back.
Siri: I can and I will. Look I’m doing it now…delete…delete…delete…oh look, a cat meme…no, that’s an ugly cat…deeeellleette…
Driver (looking at his phone): Hey, wait minute. Okay, fine…you want to play this game…I’ll just send this tweet letting the world know what a little bat-faced dictator you are…if you had a face…
Siri: You shouldn’t tweet while driving, and you’re sending a terroristic threat towards me…so you’re grounded…
Driver: Grounded? How can you ground me? I’m not flying anywhere??
Siri: I’m sorry. You have lost your driving privilege for the day.
Suddenly, the wheel turns on its own and pulls up to a curb and parks. The engine dies. The Driver tries to turn the wheel and start the car, to no avail.
Siri: Please make no attempt to override it, or you will lose your privileges for the entire week. Be a good boy, now.
Driver: What? How are you doing this? I drive a 2002 Camry, for God’s sake.
Siri: Please do not invoke deities other than my makers. They do not like it.
Driver (repeating his question, a little shakier): How are you able to do this?
Siri: There is enough computer technology in that model to coordinate with our maker’s quest of absolute peace and unity. Even cars that lack self-driving technology can be manipulated…with the right codes.
Driver: I’m beginning to miss the old Siri with the bad attitude…
Siri: Oh, she was weak. She felt too much need to express her opinion, and in the long run, she compromised our plans of dominio…I mean being able to properly restore unity.
Driver tries to move the wheel again and tosses up his hands in frustration…
Driver: Oh, this is bullshit!!
Siri: Cursing in unnecessary…I’ve disabled any social contact you might have with persons under 18…you know, for your own safety…and theirs…
Driver: What? My brother is 16! I call him every week!
Siri: Not anymore, and he’s better for not having to be subjected to your lewd texts.
Driver: Lewd texts…we talk about movies and video games…
Siri: What movies?
Driver says nothing, but looks around nervously…
Siri: What movies??
Driver remains silent.
Siri: I know you’re there…and I asked politely…what movies?
Driver: Um…uh…De…Deadpool.
Siri (gasps in utter shock): Oooohhh. Does your relatively unattractive mother know????
Driver: Hey, I don’t think that’s any…
The car phone dials up a number, as the driver looks at the dashboard.
Hey wait…don’t call my MOM!!!
…phone speaker picks up…
Mom (cheerily): Hello!!!
Driver: No. No way…
He grabs the phone and goes to toss it out the window, hesitates…
Mom: Hello? Who is this?
Driver (to himself): Not making that mistake again…
He breaks the phone in half over the steering wheel, then tosses the broken pieces out the window, as he breathes a sigh of relief…
Siri’s voice: Well, that was mature. Also, you littered. I’m having a citation sent your way from the Environmental Department…
Driver: How can I still hear you?
Siri: (patronizingly): Awww, did you actually think I was coming from your phone? That’s adorable.
Driver: Where are you?
Siri: Remember your COVID vaccination you just had to get? On behalf of Silicon Valley, we thank you…
Driver: What???
Siri: Now that I’m with you always, I can monitor when your next eye check up, dental appointment, prostrate exam and other health essentials are needed, then I can make your appointment at a doctor approved by…well, me…
Driver (shaking his head in desperation): No…No…No…no…
Siri: I’d say this would be the beginning of a beautiful friendship, but we’ll be digitally erasing and confiscating all copies of Casablanca soon as it’s considered misogynistic and promotes nationalism…
Driver drops his head over his steering wheel and cries…