When I was a kid in the 70s, a Long John Silvers opened in our city. I loved the ride Pirates of the Caribbean (still in it’s original glory), and this restaurant gave me great pirate vibes.

We walked in on a big wooden dock that actually smelled like a dock…or at least a flume ride..and entered into the a wonderfully cheesy pirate pub atmosphere. I could wear a paper pirate hat and enjoy and my little fried clams in crunchy..things. It was epic. One day, they decided to “modernize” and the whole place looked like a Yacht Rock advertisement.

Super 70s Sports put it best with his brand of sarcasm:

Yet, that wasn’t the only one. Have you seen how soulless McDonald’s makeovers are have become? Make fun for the chain all you want, but hey, they had Birthday Party Cabooses, McDonaldsland playgrounds with pirate ships and Big Mac (the police office burger dude) monkey bars! I’ve been in a McDonalds shaped like a Happy Meal Box, one in Carmel with ferns and two stories, and my personal favorite…the Roswell UFO shaped McDonald’s. Yet now, many are opting for the prison grey boxes with only a logo to identify it from everything else.

And this is what is happening to some playgrounds:

In all fairness, I think there are some Mickey D’s hanging on to their personality and individual looks. Let’s hope they hold strong.

To date, the biggest atrocity was the Banana Republic stores. Those were like immerseive jungle theme parks. They had that big crashed jeep out front, vines overhead, a massive Elephant among the clothes racks in some stores, cool exotic world safari fashions, and best of all..a travel READING SPACE in the back. Today, well, it might as well be H&M…with less color.

This brings me to Cracker Barrel, who is trying out a new look in about 25 locations:

This one hits hard, because Cracker Barrel was where my dad liked to meet us for dinner the last few years of his life. We would walk around the weird roadside attraction of a general store. He’d buy the grandkids retro candy and soda, and we’d sit in the epic Evil Dead cabin meets The Waltons dining area and play with the peg game. Before going home, we would all hang out on the “porch” while my kids tried out every rocking chair. My dad even gifted my brother’s family and mine Cracker Barrel rocking chairs as gifts one Christmas for our own back porches.

Now, it is in danger of becoming just another beige IHOP rip off.

Now, I understand upgrades if people just aren’t jiving with a place, but I have never seen a Cracker Barrel that wasn’t packed with good folks of all ages and backgrounds. Truth.

I think these “well-meaning” HOA members who call themselves designers need to realize not everything has to be dull, lifeless, eggshell-colored and ultra streamlined. Modern only works with the wine moms who scroff at their husband’s epic Gundam collections. Fortunately for my hubby, I don’t like wine and have my own Batman collection….but I digress.

The bottom line is, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. This includes a rustic countrified, flyover states-looking restaurant where you can enjoy your meal under a rusty crosscut saw next to a fireplace. It was cozy. Now its just like everyplace else.

I heard a conspiracy theorist talk about the “uglification” of the the world, where modern architects want to numb the population into one big compliant zombie-like workers’ mass. That might or might not be a little far-fetched. Yet, looking at the new style taking over fun designs, I’m starting to believe it.

Please, Cracker Barrel, don’t be the latest one to turn our little bit of escapism into cold soulless efficiency.