After a brief hiatus due to mobs of crazy people, I have some good news: Columbus Day is back and it’s sexier than ever! Why is this holiday suddenly so sexy? Because I said so, and now that a bunch of statues got torn down and fought over, Columbus Day is kinda edgy for the first time ever. Let’s go! Now you can pick sides, maybe get violent and even play a Chris Columbus sex game at home! This holiday has it all now!

First, let’s take a look at the man himself, Christopher Columbus!

Chris discovered America while looking for a shorter route to Kentucky. Home of KY jelly! We’re just making that up, but it’ll come in handy for the New World sex game later!

Philly knows what’s up. Hell yeah!

New York knows what’s up.

Minneapolis want’s their statue back. Hurry up Tampon Tim!

Have to post this before the sex stuff or we all go to website jail.

Now get to the fun stuff. The new Chris Columbus new world sex game you can play at home. All you need is a partner, a good attitude and some lube! Preferably KY. Now the rules are simple: You get to be Chris Columbus, and your lady is America! You need to plant your flag in her ‘new world’! It’s the land mass that hasn’t had a flag in it since your honeymoon!

Now take your time with that flag planting. This is a holiday not a massacre! It’s the ‘new world’. Don’t act like this the same ol’ Europe you’re both uses to. No… you’re an explorer and tonight you are going to circumnavigate her globe and make a discovery in the new world. It can be a scary place. So, slow down. Explore a bit with a thumb sized landing craft. Make sure the beach is secure. Then, plant that flag in her new world! Hooray! It’s a celebration! Christopher Columbus Day… We like it!

Oh, and put all the statutes back too. Thanks