Congratulations, you’ve just made a decision that will help you sleep better at night. You’ve decided to continue to pretend you’re free!

Times are tough and tough times require decisive actions or lies we can tell ourselves that make us feel better. So let’s celebrate all the wonderful people who’ve decided to maintain the illusion of “freedom” through the glorious self-deception that they still have some kind of choice in what happens in their lives. Hooray.

You can bask in the glow of knowing you can choose what TV show to watch and what you want to eat. Yay. That’s enough freedom. Right? That’s plenty. Why would you want more? And isn’t life better when someone else makes the big decisions? Doesn’t that just feel better? Sure it does. Keep it up. Besides, that’s what YOU chose. Right?

You used your free will to decide you don’t want free will! It’s all very Zen.

And let’s have some faith in the people who are helping us maintain this illusion!

They totally have have our best interests at heart. We should be thanking them for helping us so much. They have the important job of maintaining our freedom! And one of the perks of this work is getting extra stuff. It just makes sense. We’ve given them a very important job and it’s gonna have some perks. Like a steady paycheck, traveling and dining out with friends. They’ll let us know when we can handle more “choices.” (RELATED: Election Fraud? (Opinion))

They’ve done a great job so far! We’re free, dammit, because of them!

They’ve helped us our whole lives! When we wanted to go fishing, weren’t they kind enough to let us apply for a license? When we got a job, weren’t they nice enough to take money from our checks for Social Security whether we wanted them to or not? They knew we would need that money someday so they looked out for us! We didn’t need to choose.

They let us apply for a marriage license too! That was super swell having their input as to who we were allowed to spend our lives with. We’re so free it’s stupid!

They let us know we HAD to wear a seat belt. And who needs school choice? They’ll pick the best school for our kids! They were kind enough to decide to punish us for not getting health insurance even when we were young and healthy! Thank you! Isn’t mandatory better? Isn’t mandatory easier? We’re free, dammit!

If we want to drive, we’ll renew those tags. If we want to go to the beach they’ll let us know if it’s okay. If we want to hunt, we’ll renew that license. If we want to go to church they’ll let us know if it’s safe. If we want a gun we’ll apply and wait and hope it’s ok. If we want to travel we’ll get that vaccine. If we want anything they’ll let us know if we can. That’s what freedom is! We’re doing great!

They’ll let us know when we are allowed to go to work. They’ll let us know when we can stop wearing masks. They’ll let us know when we can celebrate holidays with our family. We can’t make those big decisions because we’re too busy being free!

So tonight when YOU decide what to watch on TV, remember to thank the people who are kind enough to let you watch what YOU want. They’re working hard. That’s why they get they extras. They have to decide how much “freedom” we’re allowed. And we all love our freedom. Right? Have a great night, America.