Hey, France. How you doing? You all okay? I know that today is a big holiday for you. July 14th is Bastille Day, and you stormed a castle and had a revolution and everything… but how are you doing France? Does it feel like everything is awesome? It doesn’t, does it?

Cause I’ll be honest, as an American, it doesn’t seem like you all are hitting a lot of home runs recently. And by recently. I’m talking about the last couple hundred years. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m cool with the revolution and all of that. I also appreciate the help you all came through with in our own little independence shindig over here. (Also, the topless chicks. That was big. Thank you) But we’re all kind of concerned now.

I’ll try to put this gently: You all need to get your shit together. The rest of civilization is has been watching and you all are fucking up. Big time. You French should be cool AF! The food, the language, the art, the tits! All of it! Do you not care about losing your country? Your identity? Are you living how you want to live?

Again, we thank you, France. You came through for us big time. We celebrate you’re indepence and all the great stuff. The crazy food, the cigarette smoking, the boobs, all of it. The “French” aesthetic is really a winner. But you all need to get your shit together or it’ all over. Countries don’t just continue on by magic. King Louis thought they did and look what happened to that guy. Anyway, Happy Bastille Day ya wackies!

Now for a sexy photo of Marion Cotillard as an emotional sorbet to cleanse the palate.