Here at The Loftus Party we are eagerly waiting for the upcoming sure-fire reality show hit, The Activist. In some circles this is known as “socially responsible programming,” in others as “ratings poison” and still others as “pathetic pandering for a shrinking demographic.”

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The Activist premieres October 22 on CBS. Since we can’t wait for this groundbreaking new reality show, we’ll just have to imagine what it will be like.

[Intro: Dramatic, punchy but highly synthesized music plays. You could imagine an eagle flying across the screen.]

[Voiceover]

“The Activist – Sharing, Caring and Making a Difference! Today’s young people are motivated, strong and ready to change the world. Our celebrity panel takes the best of these ideas and puts them into action!”

[Camera pans to a ratty but appropriately diverse group of kids in the audience then over to our host, John Fugelsang in his signature blazer and collarless tee.]

JF: Let’s meet our first Activist!

[There’s a cut to a video montage of our first contestant’s creds.]

“Brytanie Caldwell grew up in Brookline, Massacheusetts. From an early age they knew that the gender he was assigned at birth never fit him.

“With a degree in Critical Junk Theory and a passion for not knowing who to have sex with, Brytanie led many campus rallies for junk justice and was chairbeing for the Furry and Furious Alliance club.”

JF: Brytanie, welcome to The Activist. What are you going to present to the judges?

BC: Well, John, my cause is Trans Terriers. Not many people know that terriers are the most gender-aware species of canine. Since some of my best friends identify as terriers, I want to take a stand for this marginalized, voiceless group.

[The next kid comes down. The torn jeans he’s wearing cost $70 more than the untorn version. His hair looks like it took a long time to get that perfectly disheveled.]

[Cut to video]

“Rob Hastings always wanted to fight for justice. Mostly fight–but definitely for justice. After being beaten in many drug deals gone bad by dumb jocks and every Thursday night by his drunk father, Rob mastered the concept of “direct action.” Rob has put his gifts to good use as a graduate of Evergreen College in beautiful Washington state.

“Since graduation, Rob has donated his time to helping disadvantaged white youths set fire to buildings in major metropolitian areas all over the country.”

JF: Welcome Rob. Let me just say how much I admire your work. Jesus also used direct action to destroy things for justice.

HR: Well John, f*** your sky fairy but thank you, I really appreciate it.

JF: So what’s your cause?

HR: Yeah, thanks for asking. I’m rallying for sensible Antifa footwear. You know, I stand for strong direct action, John, so sometimes you have to bolt when the fascist pigs show up. I mean if a f***ing pig or Proud Boy is on your heels, these could give you the spring you need to leave those fat f***s in the dust. My cause is Antifascist Footwear.

JF [turning to camera]: Let’s meet the judges!

[Voiceover]

“Julianne Hough is a dancer, actress and activist. Julianne is passionate about dancing and endometriosis. Her activism includes appearing nude in Women’s Health and creating a course on meditative dancing for health.”

[Audience applause]

“Hip hop superstar Usher is one of the best selling musical artists of all time. He’s best known for writing songs about dirty, dirty sex and songs that start with the letter “U.” He founded New Look, a non-profit work for providing young people education and real-world experience. Usher also founded Project Restart to help victims of Hurricane Katrina. Oh, and he worked tirelessly for both of President Obama’s campaigns.”

[More applause]

“Priyanka Jonas is best known for marrying a Jonas Brother but is also hot, hot, hot! Priyanka has a real passion for social welfare programs, especially all the right ones that Hollywood cares about–the environment, women’s rights, gender equality, the gender pay gap and feminism.”

[Applause goes wild]

JF: We’ll be right back!

[Fade to Uber Eats commercial]