It’s the week of Thanksgiving! A short week followed by spending time with your family and dear friends. It’s going to be a great time–except for one thing. Your idiot nephew.
You see, he just read Vox and Vice and Salon and Slate articles on how to survive the holidays with his racist uncle. He’s now loaded up with catch phrases, counter arguments and the smug knowledge that your only reason for disagreeing with him is your whiteness and being brainwashed by “Faux News.”
So here he is, fresh from his sophomore year, head full of Chomsky, Xendi and Zinn, ready to do battle with you.
With COVID still lingering, CRT in the headlines and the whole Rittenhouse debacle, this year’s Thanksgiving will be a real treat.
Here, dear Loftus Party reader, is your helpful guide to making this Thursday not only survivable but fun!
1. Mention you’re not vaxxed–even if you are. Especially if you are. The whole dinner crisis can be averted, you can enjoy a peaceful dinner and he can enjoy his rage-filled, 20-tweet thread over tofurkey, which his heroes at MSNBC told him would not only be more affordable in the Biden economy but better for the planet.
2. When he informs you that CRT “just teaches honest history“, don’t argue about what CRT is and isn’t. Instead, ask him if he remembers the week Roots was on TV and you and your class discussed it every day of that week.
3. If at any point he’d like to discuss how you live on “occupied Cherokee, Ohlone, Miwauk, Comanche, Hopi or any other Native American land”, tell him how you plan on leaving your inheritance to his sister and the house to the aforementioned displaced group. Those tears on his face are gratitude.
4. Next up, no doubt, is the recent miscarriage of justice known as the Rittenhouse verdict. This will be a tricky one since your idiot nephew believes that a white guy shooting other white guys bent on destruction is, through complex progressive calculus, racism. If he uses the term “crossed state lines” you are entitled to throw a fist-sized chunk of stuffing at him. “Assault rifle” warrants the entire gravy boat. Otherwise just ask him what social justice was accomplished with a convicted child rapist shouting “shoot me n****” and why a white supremacist was trying to prevent a dumpster fire and offering medical attention.
Honestly, Thanksgiving is about gratitude and being with loved ones. Try to keep it that way. But if not, we hope that these pointers will help you get your idiot nephew to shut up and enjoy another helping of yams.
UPDATE: Boss man has some thoughts too!